Gay activist Vinay Chandran talks of his dream of bringing up a daughter

IT’S ONLY RECENTLY THAT I have felt that I could afford to bring up a child. And, since then, I have been seriously considering surrogacy, of asking a woman friend whether she would have my child. Because I do want it to be my child. I know adoption is an option but the idea of having my own baby sounds wonderful. I like being a man and having a man’s body, but the idea of bearing a child fascinates me. That’s why I loved Devdutt Pattanaik’s The Pregnant King — the tale from the Mahabharataabout the king of Vallabhi. It bothers me when I hear gay friends talking of marrying women (who wouldn’t know they are gay) as a way of having children. I feel like telling them homosexuality does not preclude paternity or equal impotence.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a father and I have always known I wanted a daughter. With all the male children in my family, I am sick and tired of boys. I know I am going to be one of those fathers who insist on dressing up their unfortunate daughters. With my luck, I will probably have a crew-cut butch dyke for a daughter. I have even practiced my speech where I nobly accept her sexual orientation. But, who knows, maybe she will have a much more difficult time telling me that she’s straight.

In many ways, I think what I am playing out in my head is an upbringing for my child that is very different from mine. You know, Malayalee families, we have that repressed silence down pat. It’s that EM Forster line about middleclass families protecting themselves from so many fears and disasters that they end up protecting themselves from joy as well.

I was in my 20s when I was truly at ease with being gay. I met older gay men and learnt from them their irreverence, their sense of humour. Gay men say such bitchy things to each other; nothing is sacred. But it is a wonderful way to learn that you don’t need to take yourself seriously. I wish I had that as a kid. That is the openness that I want to have with my child. I want her to be able to talk to me about everything. I dream of bringing up my child with a community of friends and I look forward to the responsibility.